Two Months In

Today marks two months on testosterone.

So here’s the obligatory before/after pic. 🙂

 

 

 

I Open at the Close

All things end. Every end is really just a new beginning in disguise. Often endings are just a blessing in disguise. [insert other cliched bullshit phrase designed to make you feel better here]

I wish this was going to be a happy post, full of sunshine and lollipops, but I’m sorry to say it’s going to be exactly the opposite. So if you don’t want to read about the dark side of all of this, here’s your chance to stop reading.

The Awkward Stage

More and more I’m finding myself in this strange gender limbo. There have been discussions in regards to passing, and how a lot of younger trans men are obsessed with passing. That’s all they think about. That’s all they care about.

I know I will never be a mountain man of a man. I’ll always be a little on the soft side, I think. But this awkward stage I’m currently in is a little frustrating.

Boys Are Less Emotional

I saw my therapist last night, which was good, because she assured me that I’m not going crazy. 

We all know that testosterone affects the mind just as much as it affects the body, but we don’t really KNOW it until it actually starts happening. My checking out emotionally, my zero tolerance for bullshit and drama, is completely normal. 

Now I just need to learn more PC ways to respond to things that push my buttons.

One Month on T

Well, technically Sunday was one month, but I wasn’t able to post then. I’m sitting here, trying to celebrate this milestone, while trying to convince my partner to check herself into a mental health facility. Needless to say the past few days have NOT been fun.

The bipolar episode escalated to panic attacks, fits of sobbing, etc.

To my horror, I’ve found myself checking out, emotionally.

Sex Drive in Park

Short post today, kids.

Here I am, three shots in, and my sex drive is essentially non-existent. What the hell. My partner told me today that kissing me was like kissing a mannequin. Great.

I would be the person that would have an opposite effect to the testosterone as everyone else. I expected to be going around humping office chairs by now. As it is, I have zero sex drive. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. It’s frustrating for me, and it’s starting to really get to my partner. I keep trying to tell her that it has nothing to do with her, that it’s not that I’m not attracted to her. I just have no mojo.

Pronouns, Passing and Periods

Happy Sunday everyone!

I’m feeling refreshed and reenergised after spending a day in the middle of nature. We found a rare spot in Arizona that had trees, water, and shade, and let my big beast of a dog chase lizards and drag logs around. It was well worth the drive.

With the peace and quiet came reflection. Hence today’s post. (Apologies in advance for the graphicness.)

But to kick it off, here are a couple of pictures from Saturday… they make me happy, and maybe they’ll make someone else smile too. They’re of my big dog, Dragon.

Hot Flashes and Hormones

Holy hot flashes, Batman! I could hardly get dressed for work this morning, I was so uncomfortable. The last thing I wanted to do was put my binder on. Hell, the last thing I wanted to do was put any sort of clothes on at all. Blood rushing in my ears, body so hot I want to sit in an ice bath.

Then the hormones kick in and all I want to do is sit down and cry, because this just sucks.

Ch-ch-ch-changes…

While discussing some of the changes I’ve been noticing since starting testosterone, my therapist asked me if I’d been having troubling emoting, verbalising thoughts, etc.

I hadn’t even thought about it, but yes, I have. And that would explain the trouble I’m having formulating posts recently. Four hundred different things in my head and I can barely make sense of one or two.

Anyone else notice things like this when they first started hormones?

Erasing the Past, Creating Opportunities

Today I had my second T shot. I still don’t look like Captain America. Dammit. Oh well. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

I am excited when I see posts from trans guys who have been on testosterone for only about month and are already seeing changes. It gives me hope that maybe I’ll actually start seeing changes in myself soon.

I’ve been sick for pretty much the last week, so I can’t speak to things like more energy, heightened sex drive, etc. much to the disappointment of my partner. This flu has knocked me on my ass, so the only thing I have more of is snot and body aches. Go me!

Anyhoo, today I’d like to talk about erasing the past. Recently a friend of mine who is in the process of transitioning, in fact the same person who tried to rain on my parade, posted about going through their Facebook and erasing all evidence of their old female self. When we saw this, my partner said to me that she was glad I wasn’t planning on doing that, erasing who I was.

And I’m not.