Erasing the Past, Creating Opportunities

Today I had my second T shot. I still don’t look like Captain America. Dammit. Oh well. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

I am excited when I see posts from trans guys who have been on testosterone for only about month and are already seeing changes. It gives me hope that maybe I’ll actually start seeing changes in myself soon.

I’ve been sick for pretty much the last week, so I can’t speak to things like more energy, heightened sex drive, etc. much to the disappointment of my partner. This flu has knocked me on my ass, so the only thing I have more of is snot and body aches. Go me!

Anyhoo, today I’d like to talk about erasing the past. Recently a friend of mine who is in the process of transitioning, in fact the same person who tried to rain on my parade, posted about going through their Facebook and erasing all evidence of their old female self. When we saw this, my partner said to me that she was glad I wasn’t planning on doing that, erasing who I was.

And I’m not.

In fact, for throwback Thursday I decided to post a picture of myself back in 1997, as a freshman in college, while I was performing in a community play. Long hair, makeup, the whole nine yards. (Mind you, only a couple months after that picture was taken, I shaved my head and ditched the makeup.)

I have no desire to erase that person.

I am proud of my identity as a trans man. I don’t have the want or the need to live stealth. The way I see it, my identity as a trans man opens up many opportunities to educate. The fact of the matter is that the trans* community is probably the most discriminated against, even within our OWN LGBTQ community. I have seen leaders of various communities say things like “If you have a dick, you’re a dude. I don’t care what you say, or how much makeup you wear.” To me, this is unacceptable, but it opens doors for me, and my partner, to become advocates.

I have friends who have removed themselves from the drag scene and will only use LGB when referring to the community because of the issues that we see with the trans* folks. I don’t find that helpful. Complacency is just as bad, if not worse, than indifference. To accept that this is the way things are, and that it cannot change doesn’t work for me. Don’t preach about equality, and post article after article on your profile if you’re not willing to actually get out there, be visible and make a difference.

This is why I won’t be ridding my Facebook of my old pictures. I won’t be erasing anything, unless it contains pictures of an ex who I have no desire to see on my profile. Was I 100% happy with myself in all my old pictures? No, of course I wasn’t. But it doesn’t change the fact that I made some great memories, made some awesome friends. To erase my old self is to erase all of that as well, and I’m not willing to do that. I am proud of who I am, and who I was. I’ll still throw pictures out there for stupid things like throwback Thursdays that show who I was before the transition.

At any rate, I’m hoping that I get over this flu-thing soon so I can get back into the gym, and get back to my routine. I tried to work out on Monday and it damn near killed me. So I had a cupcake instead.