I’m finding that I’m having issues with personal space. That is, I don’t want anyone in it. I’m not entirely sure why. One would think that with all the nifty little changes that are happening (and they ARE happening!) that I would be more excited about my body and having people (ie. my partner) near it. But the opposite is, in fact, true.
For example, I’ve got a little fuzzy snail trail appearing on my belly. I generally have issues with body hair anyway (I know, I know… not very “manly” of me) but I’m sucking it up in terms of my armpits (I don’t know how much longer I can NOT shave) and my belly, mainly because body hair is one of the easiest places to see change. At any rate, I was laying in bed last night in a pair of shorts and my partner was curled up around me. She put a hand on my belly, and commented on the fuzzies, and went to grab the hairs. I wigged out, and pushed her hand away, and immediately put a shirt on and draped a sheet over me. It was hot. I needed to not have clothes on, but at that moment I couldn’t get more covered.
Of course my partner said I was being a dick, and got up to go smoke.
I didn’t mean to be a dick.
I don’t know how to be ok with everything that’s happening. There’s a disconnect happening with my body right now, and I’m sure it’s all part of the process, but it kind of sucks. The changes are exciting, but scary. My body is becoming both familiar and unfamiliar all at the same time. Slowly but surely I’m starting to become a closer approximation of who I want to see when I look in the mirror, but this is the body I’ve had for 35 years. As much as I dislike parts of it, I’ve gotten used to it.
A cocoon would be handy right about now. I could tuck myself away, all safe and sound, only emerging when I’m a beautiful butterfly.
So instead of a cocoon I create a bubble that I believe to be impermeable, until someone ends up in my bubble. Then I panic.
There should be an island where all trans men go during transition. Where we can go, deal with the demons, then get airlifted off once our transformation is complete.
I see my therapist tonight. Sounds like I’ll have something to talk about.
Transginger 