Happy T-Day!

Had a couple big things happen since my last post:

I came out to my coworkers.

I started testosterone.

Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I’ll take one thing at a time.

You’ve Got Me Feeling Emotions…

Crazy emotional weekend. Praise jebus for my new prescription of Xanax. (A half of a .25mg pill wipes me out… yay for being sensitive to meds! Makes me a cheap date.)

On Friday my partner told me that it was getting harder for her not to say anything publicly about my transition. I said once I told my family, I didn’t care what she said or who she said it to. I just didn’t want my family to find out via a post on Facebook. So I sent a message to my cousins, my aunt and my uncle. And then had a panic attack.

After work, we had to go put an old cat of mine to sleep. That broke my heart. I’d had her since she was born, bottle fed her and her two siblings. She was the runt, always small and frail, but through some fluke managed to outlive both her much bigger and stronger siblings. I was an emotional wreck all day, knowing I had to go do this. Checking my facebook every 10 minutes to see if I had new messages wasn’t helping.

When I finally saw the little red notification that told me I had new messages, my heart did a belly flop into my stomach.

Honestly, I was worried needlessly. Granted, I haven’t told my father yet, but I’m really not too concerned about that right this second. I’d like to share some of the responses I got from my friends and family after I came out to them on Friday.

It’s Getting Real

We decided to tell the kids on Friday that there’s a good chance that a transition was iminent. We figured they needed to know so we didn’t have to censor our conversations around them. They know I’m starting therapy on Wednesday, and they know it’s ok to ask questions. Luckily, we have lots of trans* friends so this isn’t really that big of a deal. The younger one was a little surprised, but the oldest one was a typical 16 year old, shrugged his shoulders and moved on. Which I’m ok with.

More and more discussions with my partner are centering around possible changes that might occur with the starting of T. Conversations about name changes, how to deal with the transition at work, all that good stuff.

I won’t lie… It just seems right.

In the Beginning…

When you look for blogs on things like being trans* and transitioning generally what pops up are blogs that start at the transition period. While that’s great, I wanted to do something a little different. I wanted to put down my thoughts and feelings starting BEFORE there was any transitioning. I wanted to start at the beginning, before therapy, before hormones, while things were still getting figured out in my head.

People make it seem so easy. 1) Wake up in the morning. 2) Decide you’re trans*. 3) Transition.

I can tell you it’s not that simple, at least not for me. For one thing, I’m 35. It’s a little late in life for me to still be figuring out who the hell I am. Years of having completely unsupportive partners forced me to repress any feelings that might have been there, even though all signs pointed to… something else.