Positivity

Sitting in the shadow of self-doubt and melancholy, I find myself striving to see the positive around me. In an effort to try and dust off my rose coloured glasses, I’m going to attempt to make a list of that which is positive and good, that which I am grateful for. Some things may be little, some things may be big, but they’re all things that matter in some way.

In no particular order:

1. My transition. Despite having it thrown in my face recently, and despite knowing that this is the most challenging undertaking of my life, I am glad I am finally on the path to feeling more like me.
2. My job. Even though I’m rather disenchanted with my company and my position in that company, I’m grateful that I have a job that allows me to pay my bills, and that provides me with decent enough insurance so that I can afford #1.
3. My laptop. Seems silly, I know, but it was the first big thing I was able to purchase for myself in a long time. It allows me to blog, Skype with my far-away friends, and distracts me from reality when it gets to be rough.
4. My creativity. When I need a release, mindless busy work keeps me occupied and helps me feel like I’ve been productive. Even when all I’ve done is create a costume or new bowtie.
5. My pets. My house is a zoo, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. My four-legged kids are the only constant in my life, a couple have been with me almost a decade. There is never judgment in their eyes, no passive-aggression, no anger, just pure, unconditional love.
6. (…. this is getting tricky…. I must really be in a funk…) Pet sitting. The money I make on the occasional pet sitting job has helped pay bills when we were short, taken us out on the occasional date night, and (hopefully) will get my name changed.
7. My books. I’m an avid reader, and there are times when I just need to dive into an alternate reality. My kindle is my best friend, allowing me to carry around several books at a time without needing a dolly, and thanks to Amazon’s free e-books, I’ve been able to discover tons of new authors!
8. (I need to come up with at least 10 things on my list… It’s getting harder.) My life experience. Everything I’ve done, every place I’ve traveled, up until now has had a hand in shaping who I am today. I have been broken, I have been raised up only to be pushed back down. I have traveled the world. I have won awards. I have loved, I have been loved. I have been hated, I have hated others. I have laughed, I have cried. I have wanted to die. I have sat on some of the most beautiful beaches in the world. Every little piece has come together to create a unique individual, who will never quite fit in anywhere, but who (in general) I’m very proud to be.
9. My gingerness. (I know, I know. Now I’m reaching.) But! It makes me unique; a minority within a minority. Everyone wants to be ginger, and I think bottle red heads are becoming more common than bottle blondes.
10. My sensitivity. It may sound weird, but I’m grateful that I haven’t lost my ability to cry… yet.

So there you have it. Ten things I find positive, or am grateful for. You may think it odd that some of the most obvious things aren’t on the list: friends, family, partner. But I needed the list to be honest, and putting those things on the list wouldn’t be. I know a lot of people, but when it comes to friends, there are few. Too few. And none that I really feel I can talk to. My family has never been there for me, and have never really been a positive aspect of my life, so there’s no reason to put them on the list. And my partner… right now, there is very little that is positive about my relationship. I want to be grateful for her, but at this moment I’m ready to run. So no partner on the list.

Coming up with ten things was harder than I anticipated, but maybe coming up with one thing every day wouldn’t be. I’m thinking maybe I should do that.