Coming Out

It seems to weird to have to come out again after all these years. Although, if I think about it I was never really in the closet to begin with. I had my first girlfriend at 15, and we didn’t really hide it. When rumours began flying around the school, I didn’t deny them. I never really thought about it. I was who I was, and didn’t know that it was “wrong” or that I was supposed to hide it. Coming out as trans* is a very different experience for me.

What’s in a Name? (Redux)

So this is my second attempt at this today. I spent over an hour writing earlier, only to find the entire thing empty when I posted it. Talk about frustrating!

So earlier today I found out that my company’s HR department and the legal department, they wouldn’t change my name on my work emails and such to my initials. All I wanted was to get my legal name off of things that could potentially out me to new clients, colleagues, etc. Apparently everything is connected, so if I change it on my email it gets changed on everything else, including my paychecks and my W2s. So I have to suck it up and suffer and risk being outed because your systems are stupid? Great.

I knew that this process was going to be tricky, and that I’d hit some road blocks, but to be coming up against them so soon was unexpected.

However, after going to lunch with my partner I think we may have found a solution.

Monday, Monday…

So good to me…

Except that I’m exhausted and my candle is slooooowly burning down. I’m realising I’m too old to be running like I was last week. Non-stop.

Anyway, Friday was our first couples therapy session since the decision was made to transition. We had already been in couples therapy for a few months, trying to work out issues that, now, seemed to have stemmed from my repressing my own self for so long.

We went in and started the session off with “We’ve had a major breakthrough.”

Still more truth…

This spoke to me today.

Suddenly…

I’m terrified. Like, panic-attack-inducing terrified.

I blame the idiot uterus, but still…

After all the changes I’ve dealt with over the years you’d think this would be no big deal. Apparently this isn’t the case.

The joke’s on me…

Mother Nature has a seriously messed up sense of humour… Ya damn jerk.

I’m Allowed…

Day two of the silent treatment. And I start therapy tomorrow. Not sure what that says about timing. Here I am about take a giant step in this whole process and the one person I counted on to be there isn’t even acknowledging my existence right now. Though maybe it’s good that the first step is therapy.

She said something to me today, via text because god forbid she actually talk to me, that really hurt. She said for the first time in four years she was scared of me. Which I don’t understand. I have NEVER been violent, not with her, not with anyone. Am I mad? Sure. Who wouldn’t be when their partner refuses to talk to them, and kicks them out the bedroom? (I was actually told to leave the room yesterday evening, for no reason other than I was there. So I had to wait until she was asleep to go back in.) But it’s already been proven that she is the one with the temper, a really scary temper. And after four years of violent bipolar episodes, for her to tell me that she’s afraid of me is a freaking joke.

I am allowed to be mad. I am allowed to be uncomfortable. I am allowed to express my feelings without worrying about whether I’m going to be completely shut out.

Affirmation…

So last night I saw that Netflix had the documentary ‘Mr. Angel’, about porn star and trans* advocate Buck Angel. Seemed appropriate at the time. After all, here I was wondering whether not having issues with my vajayjay was an issue and here was a trans man who not only didn’t have issues with his nether regions, he was a porn star who was just as often on the receiving end of sex as he was on the giving end.

If you haven’t seen it, I’d recommend it. His story isn’t pretty, but it’s real.

Anyhoo, Buck made it very clear that he has no intention of ever having bottom surgery. That he loved his vagina. In the film there were clips from his TransMan Project with other transmen who said that at first they had major issues with what they were given below the belt, but how they came to embrace it, love it.

This gave me hope.